Soup Fail

Steppy: So my mom told me she doesn't like my chicken soup.

Me: Why is that?

Steppy: Mostly because I make it with turkey.

Turkey Sponge

David: It's like a turkey sponge full of piss, and you don't want to touch that.

The Whole Wonderful Thing

Two today:

David: I'm like a feelings dumpster. And then the teenagers learn to love the dumpster.

And

While sitting in the spa with Willie and Little Red (age 12) part (like 1/3) of my boob fell out and Willie told me, much to the upset of Little Red. Later on...

Willie: You saw her boob huh?

Little Red: Yes I did! I saw the whole wonderful thing!!!

Willie: Did you like it?

Little Red: No.

Willie: Come on dude.

Little Red: Okay YES I DID AND I LOVED IT!

Attention Disorders

Steppy: I have ADD

Willie: I do too.

Steppy: ISN'T IT AWESOME? Wait, what were we talking about before???

Why The Baby Cried

Wade: Do you hear that baby out there? Maybe a dinosaur is just chasing him and he's crying because he can't get away. Oh! He stopped crying. Maybe the dinosaur got him and he just died.

David's Injury

He has this large pink welt on his side, and I asked what happened.

"At work I was trying to hit a donut with a stick...actually it wasn't a stick, it was a broom handle. Anyway I was swinging it around like a ninja warrior and then Ryan threw a donut at me and I tried to hit it but instead I hit myself in the ribs."

Faith And Alcohol

David: (in Steve Irwin accent) Crikey! She's turned back to her faith! Once she goes back to her faith she has a stockpile of whiskey, which is a deadly combination. Once she's got these two elements in her she gets very very righteous and angry, now that is a time when you don't want to bugger around with her when she's righteous and angry.

Steppy Stoned?

I lol'd hard at this one.

David went to have a beer with my neighbor the Marlboro Man, and Steppy's over here basically falling asleep on my couch so I suggest we go find David so Steppy can leave (since I don't want to be all lonely.) We get over there and they're all chillin' out, maxin, relaxin all cool, etc.

Marlboro Man is telling a story, and mid sentence he looks at Steppy and goes "Are you stoned?"

Steppy's like "No, I'm just really really tired, I only slept three hours last night."

"Oh. Well I was gonna offer you some marijuana. You looked stoned!"

Rage

Steppy: Do you see the size of his gut? He internalizes his rage so he can belch it out in flames. Like Godzilla.

The Week Has Flown By, And Some Quotes Were Good

1.

Jessie: A Mexican does NOT drip paint. It is a precision instrument.

2.

Ty: He's in jail. A poison jail. Where they spray poison into your butt and then your stomach fills up and then explodes.

3.

Jessie: Eden Fantasys (the site I review sex toys and such for) wants to know why I would be able to provide a better review on this product than the one that is already posted.

Steppy: One word..."pictures."

Determination

Steppy: I'm not creepy, I'm just motivated. Damnit, don't you see that I'm not stalking you? I'm just very, very determined.

What's For Dinner

This was a text conversation.

David: What's for dinner?

Jessie: Spaghetti or pizza or both.

David: Spaghetti plz.

**later**

Jessie: Actually I'm really busy with editing these photos and Stacey is teaching me how to use the camera and stuff. So bring pizza or you can make the spaghetti. Sorry.

David: WELL I NEVER!!!

Jessie: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get ready for tomorrow.

David: Le SCOFF!

Jessie: Oh shut up or you're gonna be eating cold Ramen noodles out of a dirty mason jar.

David: OMG LMFAO!

Choke It Down

Jessie: Eew, onions.

Steppy: CHOKE IT DOWN! God, I'm sorry, it's all those porno movies I've been watching.

Two From Sally

Sally: I like him but he's from Afghanistan though.

Jessie: What's wrong with that?

Sally: I made a promise to myself, I promised never to do Arabs anymore.


And...


Sally: He's so cute, this guy. I like him but he's so married.

Fair Warning

David: You keep makin' noises like that an eagle's gonna come in here...

Jojoba

David: Jo-Jo-Buh nut?

Jessie: It's pronounced ho-hoba.

David: Fucking j's.

Wade's Underwear

My sister: Wade? Are you wearing underwear?

Wade: No.

My sister: Were you wearing underwear when you came over? Where is your underwear?

Wade: It's in a hole.

My sister: Seriously, where is your underwear?

Wade: It's in a hole. The ants are eating it.

David Is On A Roll

1.

(we're cuddling in bed and just as he goes to kiss me the sprinklers come on outside and it's really loud and distracting.)

David: That's okay baby, just pretend we're doing it at a golf course late at night.

2.

Sally: I'm going to get the lap-band surgery, I need to lose some pounds.

David: Is it time for a new car already?

3.

David: Fuck you, baby computer. What did I ever do to you?

(PS this is David's baby computer:)

Don't You Threaten Her

David: *jokingly points a little knife with a two inch blade at Sally* Hey make me some venete!

Sally: *looks David up and down* You want to swallow that knife mother fucker?

Her english is getting so good.

Slapping Noises

Steppy: You don't want to know how Jessie keeps her pimp hand strong. *lowers head* I like to make the slap noises.

Xerox

From a very long time ago when I was helping out in my sister's kindergarten classroom.

Jessie: (shaking a covered dixie cup filled with dried beans) And what do you suppose is inside of this cup, children?

Boy: (gasps and covers his mouth in terror) *whispers* Maybe there's Xerox in there...

Mecca

Greg: He has to make sure he's pooping toward Mecca.

LOLWUT?

Jessie: What would you like for dinner Wade, do you want a salad?

Wade: Yeah! On my head!

The Magic Word

David: (poised with a pepper grinder over Ty's bowl of vegetables) Say the magic word.

Ty: Um...go.

David: How did you know that the magic word was "um go?"

Overheard On The Phone

David: So happy mother's day mom.

Mom: Aaaw, thank you. So what are you doing?

David: Aw, you know, makin' mother's day for this mama right here.

Mom: *grumble, moan* oh

A Grasshopper Can Kill You

David: Grasshoppers can actually kill you, you have to poison them.

Jessie: What? How do they kill you?

David: They get on your face and totally scratch out your eyes with their legs.

Jessie: lol, no they don't. Where did you hear that?

David: I've had dreams.

Jessie: That's different then.

David: They saw little holes into your eyes.

Jessie: No they don't.

David: They attract you with their magical music legs and then next thing you know you're blind.

Not A Quote, More Like A Story

So David brings some of his beer to distribute at his Pizza Place. The owner of the Pizza Place is from Pakistan, and as everyone else is taking beer and such, David asks Other David if he thinks it would be all right to ask Mr. Pakistan if he wants beer. You see, Mr. Pakistan's religion recommends that he not drink alcohol, but David has seen him clean a ton of beer bottles from his car before (which I wont get into, that's a whole different story.)

Other David says no, not to ask. But David did anyway.

"Mr. Pakistan, do you like beer?"

"Beer?" Mr. Pakistan says, "I drink beer every day."

"Oh well perhaps you would like to try some of mine."

"You have beer?"

"I make it."

"And is it good?"

"Ask Other David, he's had it before."

Other David is glaring at David and shaking his head no. He's really mad for some reason.

"Oh you have had?" Mr. Pakistan asks him. Other David answers yes.

David shows him some bottles, one of which is a swing-top Grolsch bottle and the other is a 22 oz bottle with our label on it. He shows him the label and explains the bottling process, blah blah blah.

"Which one is good one?" Mr. Pakistan asks.

"Well...they're both the same I--"

Mr. Pakistan grabs the 22 ouncer, pulls the metal cap off with his teeth and downs it right there in the parking lot.

"It's very smooth," he says, and then drinks another couple glugs. "You sure you make this yourself? You didn't just put your label on someone else's beer?"

"No that's...um...that's mine."

"Hmm," he says, and pours the rest down his throat. "Here," he goes, "you can re use this bottle."

And Mr. Pakistan drives off.

Other David rolls his eyes. "I tried to tell you."

"Sorry dude, I...didn't expect that he'd pound a 22 oz beer in the parking lot."

"You owe me another beer, man."

Why You Should Not Eat Money

David (to Wade): Don't eat money, what is wrong with you? If you swallow a quarter, guess what? Someone is going to rip your gut open to get it out of you. You tell a doctor that you're full of quarters in this economy? You're dead. So don't put money in your mouth.

Paper Air Plane

David: So I made a pretty cool paper air plane. Too bad I stomped on it. I told it to get up but it wouldn't.

Why They Cant Help

Cop: Why cant your parents pay to put you through academy?

David: Well, her parents are dead, and my dad drives the short bus, and my mom, well, she aint right.

Mr Clean

Jessie: I'd sure like to see a more violent version of Mr. Clean...

Butt Bubble

David: Okay so I have this bubble in my butt that is keeping it open, and like, it has valves on either side that let me suck in air or push out air.

Jessie: ...How long's it been like that?

David: Bout a minute. Oh it just went away.

Two From Tonight

Wade: I don't want to sit by Ty because he's making me boxes!

Ty: Boxes are good for you!



And



Jessie: I can go to your church, but I ain't gonna do it right.

Sally's Boyfriend Talks Like A Nigerian Spammer

Sally's email to me:

i asked him to tell me something nice ...something to convince me that i wont be just another name on his list....this is what i got back...

men are suckers...

I will take you everywhere and enjoy your intelligence in the day and your romance in the evening.JUST YOU. No one could ask for anything nicer; a fantastic package. I look forward to traveling to Europe with you

Watch Your Mouth Around The Kids

I'm talking to David about my friend Steppy but apparantly Ty was listening from the other room.

Jessie: Well I told him that I would put things in his butt if he let me take pictures of it and put them in my Flickr.

Ty: (comes running in) Mama! You will go to jail! It is against the law to put things in somebody's butt!

Waste And Shampoo

Two today...

David: That's a waste of a Mazda.

And...

Pico: So there was this guy who got kicked out of the Marines for cumming into bottles and tasting it. He had bottles of cum everywhere, in his locker, under his bed, all over the place. I'm thinking I want to go into the shampoo business so I can cum into the bottles and sell it to people.

Jessie: Dude, why go into the shampoo business? Just work at Rite Aid, you can do that there.

Dana Hates Telling Girl Scouts No

Dana: I hate telling girl scouts no, I mean...they're doing the right thing, they're just trying to sell some cookies, but it's like "Sorry girls, my back pack's full of beer..."

God, WHAT AM I?

Look at me, what if I had just started tearing open the boxes and chugging a beer, destroying all their cookies. Some little girl's like "Excuse me mister..." and I'm like "THAT'S MR. MISTER TO YOU, PIGTAILS!"

Candy Dots

Jessie: That's what I want in my Easter basket, a dick covered in Candy Dots.

The Only Rule Of Ultimate Fighting

Ty: The only rule of Ultimate Fighting is that you can never ever ever set someone on fire.

Drinking With David

So David's had three beers, he's looking at the alcohol percentages on the bottles and finds out that one of them is 9.5%. This explains why he then exclaims "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

He's referring to the metal bracket things on the closet door.

He opens the closet door and sees that I've hung up a shoe rack.

"Fucking sweet!"

Shoe racks are fucking sweet.

You're Always Like That!

Ty: Daddy you're always make believe, because you're always saying things that can't happen and don't happen and never will happen. You're always like that!

David: It's called joking, buddy.

Ty: Oh.

My Hands Are Too Cold

David: My hands are too cold, could you pull the lint out of my belly button for me?

Jessie: Use a q-tip, you fuck!

Button Eyes

Greg: Fuck that movie Coraline. Anything with button eyes, I'm like NO FUCKING WAY.

David's Screwed

David: Um...I think I just screwed this cap into my face.

Sally Comes To David's Defense

In response to the news of Stater's giving David a bad report which caused CHP to drop his application, the neighbor had some not so kind words to say.

Sally: why the heck he wrote that?? what a stupid ass,,he ruined his chance for what? i hate people like this....i hope he will pay for it!!! and when that happens .. i hope he;ll knw what is that he;s paying for...oh man..i would go to him and spit on his ugly face. if he wouldve done that to me...after all the hopes and dreams ...or to my man,...i would go there in the middle of the store and make a fuul of himself.and spit on him like a gypsy..nothing to loose...

12 Inch Sausage

This girl comes into the pizza place and orders a medium sausage pizza. So David, in all of his charm, comes out and announces:

"I've got a 12 inch sausage for Kim."

Epic.

I Got Hit On

I'm checking out at the grocery store (Stater's, of course) and the manager is the guy who was my TA in my 10th grade science class. He's always sort of hit on me, but never admitted it.

Anyway, so as I was checking out today he came over and started talking to me.

Jessie: So yeah, David's final interview with CHP is Monday, so if this goes well he could be leaving in June.

Him: Awesome, so then you'll be making MONEY, heh?

Jessie: Yeah, but I'll be all alone.

Him: Not if I'm there...

Jessie: What?

Him: Ah ha ha kay have a good day now Jess ah ha ha ha...

Fainting Goat

David: The bird is like a fainting goat, except that it's like a seizuring bird.

Jesus Kisses

David and I are lying in bed holding hands.

David: This is weird. It's like that scene in Titanic where the old couple is holding hands in bed as the water is drowning them. Like, shouldn't they be fucking?

Jessie: No, because they're going to go meet Jesus. It's not appropriate to be fucking when you're going to meet Jesus.

David: Well at least they could be kissing! Jesus kisses!

Guy In The Porno Said WHAT?

Guy in porno: I'd have my tongue so far up that chick's ass that I'd taste the yogurt she had for breakfast.

Overheard Outside Of Dress Barn

There's a very skinny man-boy wearing very skinny jeans and a Lucky brand shirt. He's walking with a girl who is dressed as well as he is.

Man-Boy with Girl Voice outside of Dress Barn: *scoffs* Okay, if I were a woman? And god willing someday I will be? I? Would not want to shop at a "Dress BARN," like that wouldn't make me feel sexy? It's like, am I a cow or something?

Louder =Better

Jessie: "The louder you swear at somebody the more they respect you."

Like Dogs

Mustang Sally: This new guy I'm seeing, he is not different than the other guy I was seeing. He is inexperienced so I train him just like the other guy. Same story. Is like dogs. Still a labrador, is just different color.

Why Greg Could Never Be A Cop

Greg: I don't think I could take a job like that seriously enough. I'd write someone a ticket and fold it into origami and be like "Your ticket is for driving slow like the crane. Look, the wings flap!" Or I could make one of those fortune teller number games.

"Aw, you picked the 6? Nobody picks the 6! Wha'd you get--OOOOH! You got DUI. Tough break."

Or like "Pick the 3. Come on. Pick the 3. I've got two guys and a dog in my squad car who want you to pick the 3."

Shouted At 1 AM...

David: I SMELL LIKE ONIONS! GOD DAMNIT!

Drop Slot

Pico calls me up to tell me that he had sex with a fat girl that he met on Myspace. I tried to cheer him up by saying that at least he got his rocks off or whatever, and he said that he did but reluctantly.

Pico: It's like if you're returning a movie to the video store after hours and you reach your hand in the slot, but then you change your mind and decide not to drop the video, so then you just start jerking your arm back and fourth trying to get it out, but you know that you are not going to get your arm out of that drop slot unless you drop the video. And so finally, you just...drop it. And you feel terrible.