I Got Hit On

I'm checking out at the grocery store (Stater's, of course) and the manager is the guy who was my TA in my 10th grade science class. He's always sort of hit on me, but never admitted it.

Anyway, so as I was checking out today he came over and started talking to me.

Jessie: So yeah, David's final interview with CHP is Monday, so if this goes well he could be leaving in June.

Him: Awesome, so then you'll be making MONEY, heh?

Jessie: Yeah, but I'll be all alone.

Him: Not if I'm there...

Jessie: What?

Him: Ah ha ha kay have a good day now Jess ah ha ha ha...

Fainting Goat

David: The bird is like a fainting goat, except that it's like a seizuring bird.

Jesus Kisses

David and I are lying in bed holding hands.

David: This is weird. It's like that scene in Titanic where the old couple is holding hands in bed as the water is drowning them. Like, shouldn't they be fucking?

Jessie: No, because they're going to go meet Jesus. It's not appropriate to be fucking when you're going to meet Jesus.

David: Well at least they could be kissing! Jesus kisses!

Guy In The Porno Said WHAT?

Guy in porno: I'd have my tongue so far up that chick's ass that I'd taste the yogurt she had for breakfast.

Overheard Outside Of Dress Barn

There's a very skinny man-boy wearing very skinny jeans and a Lucky brand shirt. He's walking with a girl who is dressed as well as he is.

Man-Boy with Girl Voice outside of Dress Barn: *scoffs* Okay, if I were a woman? And god willing someday I will be? I? Would not want to shop at a "Dress BARN," like that wouldn't make me feel sexy? It's like, am I a cow or something?

Louder =Better

Jessie: "The louder you swear at somebody the more they respect you."

Like Dogs

Mustang Sally: This new guy I'm seeing, he is not different than the other guy I was seeing. He is inexperienced so I train him just like the other guy. Same story. Is like dogs. Still a labrador, is just different color.

Why Greg Could Never Be A Cop

Greg: I don't think I could take a job like that seriously enough. I'd write someone a ticket and fold it into origami and be like "Your ticket is for driving slow like the crane. Look, the wings flap!" Or I could make one of those fortune teller number games.

"Aw, you picked the 6? Nobody picks the 6! Wha'd you get--OOOOH! You got DUI. Tough break."

Or like "Pick the 3. Come on. Pick the 3. I've got two guys and a dog in my squad car who want you to pick the 3."

Shouted At 1 AM...

David: I SMELL LIKE ONIONS! GOD DAMNIT!

Drop Slot

Pico calls me up to tell me that he had sex with a fat girl that he met on Myspace. I tried to cheer him up by saying that at least he got his rocks off or whatever, and he said that he did but reluctantly.

Pico: It's like if you're returning a movie to the video store after hours and you reach your hand in the slot, but then you change your mind and decide not to drop the video, so then you just start jerking your arm back and fourth trying to get it out, but you know that you are not going to get your arm out of that drop slot unless you drop the video. And so finally, you just...drop it. And you feel terrible.