Jojoba

David: Jo-Jo-Buh nut?

Jessie: It's pronounced ho-hoba.

David: Fucking j's.

Wade's Underwear

My sister: Wade? Are you wearing underwear?

Wade: No.

My sister: Were you wearing underwear when you came over? Where is your underwear?

Wade: It's in a hole.

My sister: Seriously, where is your underwear?

Wade: It's in a hole. The ants are eating it.

David Is On A Roll

1.

(we're cuddling in bed and just as he goes to kiss me the sprinklers come on outside and it's really loud and distracting.)

David: That's okay baby, just pretend we're doing it at a golf course late at night.

2.

Sally: I'm going to get the lap-band surgery, I need to lose some pounds.

David: Is it time for a new car already?

3.

David: Fuck you, baby computer. What did I ever do to you?

(PS this is David's baby computer:)