First In A While

Steppy:  I was laughing so hard as I killed that...

100th Post Goes To Willie!

And what did he say? 

Willie:  I wouldn't change my name to that if God himself paid me in devil quarters.

This Is Only Getting Worse...

Steppy:  I run the joke into the ground, then hump it some more, then beat it like a dead horse and tell it to get up.

Also

Steppy:  So I think if I start adding something addictive to my cooking, something that's more chemically addicting than the cooking its self, I will have the perfect system for catching girlfriends.

Also

Steppy:  Instead of a turkey timer on the teens, maybe they could just label them with a "best if used after" sticker of some kind..

For You

Willie:  I love this weather.  I wouldn't change it for the world...but I'd change it for you.  If you wanted the weather to change, I'd do everything in my power to get the weather man to change it. 

My Great Nephew

My niece Ashley comes over to visit and has her three year old with her.  He immediately goes into my kids' room and plays.  Moments later Ty comes out and says that there's something wrong with Aiden. 

Ashley:  Oh no, is he playing "Dead And Zombie?" (as she runs to the room)

Us:  Um...what?

Ashley returns from handling the situation in the bedroom. 

Jessie:  What's "Dead And Zombie?"

Ashley:  Oh Aiden just sometimes falls on the ground and pretends to die, and then twitches and gets up and chases people around like he's a zombie.  Oh but that's not what he was doing.  He was pretending to be choking on a spoon. 

Us:  What the fuck?

Ashley:  Yeah, he'll turn himself purple and gag and grasp his throat and everything. 


Weird kid or weirdest kid ever?

This Time

Jessie:  Kids should not be playing on my lawn, I do not live in a common area of the complex and they're not supervised over here. 

Steppy:  Chloroform the children and leave them in the bushes and be like "Somebody stoled your baybies!!"




David:  Jessica Alba is my celebrity crush.

Jessie:  Really David?  That's lame.  Can't you be original?  You're like a 12 year old boy with a poster over your bed. 

David:  Yep, and this time it's not Mike Piazza. 

Inflatable Dollar Store Bath Pillow

David:  My god.  It's like a baby catching mit!

A Few I've Saved Up

Jessie:  Sleeping with the fan on helps, huh?

David:  Yeah.  If it wasn't so sharp and moving I'd even cuddle with it.



David:  Mama Bird-Baby Bird

Steppy:  That's how Germans learn!



Steppy (to my pet rabbit):  HA!  Take that you non binocular bastard!  Death from anywhere but the sides!

Weed Trouble

Steppy: They call me Dr. Green Thumb. I can grow ANYTHING in that basement. Except weed...

Pickles

David went over to my sister's to do laundry. He also had a hangover from the night before.

David: I found out that the best cure for a hangover is pickles.

Jessie: Did you tell my sister that you have a hangover?

David: No, but I did tell her that I finished off the pickles.

Damnit

Willie is riding his bike shirtless and we get sprayed by sprinklers.

Willie: Damnit, now my muscles are going to glisten.

Doooooooom

David:  Wade, don't eat too much of your brother's sundae, remember there's milk in it and milk hurts your tummy.

Wade:  (looks wide eyed into space with shock)  Sundae of dooooom.  

loltrailertrash

Lady At Recycling Center: You messed up on my ticket, son.

Willie (the recycling center guy): Oh sorry, you're right. Let me fix that for you.

Lady: Well that's all right, I wouldn'ta said nothin' but I need the money for Bingo down at the trailer park.



yee-freaking-haw.

Hilarious Quotes From Batman XXX- A Porn Parody

(note that this is NOT a review, just a collection of quotes from the film.)

"Holy Viagra!"
"To the Bat Pole!"
"Eat my dirty asshole, Riddler"
"Did I tell you to speak, Batman?" (said by whore who date rapes him)
"Blow your bat-load in my mouth."
"Is that a Batterang in your pocket or are you just happy to save me, Boy Wonder?"
"FUUUUUUCK MEEEEE!" (the Joker)
"GET DOWN THERE, I'M GOING TO CUM ON YOUR FACES! NOW REMEMBER TO SMILE WHEN YOU TAKE THE LOAD!"
"Holy popshot!"
"Jeepers!" (said by Robin as he fucks Bat Girl, also there may have been a "golly" in there as well.)
"Kill Robin first, I always hated that little fucker!"
"Holy glass jaw Batman!"
"Holy threesome Batman!"
"Cum all over my dirty kitty face."

The end???

Violent!

Willie: Where the fuck is my Sesame Street blanket David, I'm going to cut your penis off if you don't help me find it!

David: Willie, you're violent.

Willie: YOU QUIT SMOKING AND SEE IF YOUR VIOLENT LEVELS DON'T GO UP!

If Only

Willie: David, are you wrapping garlic chicken in bacon? Man, I'd lick your balls if it wasn't so gay.

Alligators

Wade: Ty, do you know what alligators eat? They eat glass.

Ty: They eat fish.

Wade: They eat glass. Look at their teeth. Why eat fish when you can eat glass?

What Would You Do?

Jessie: What would you do if a woman you cared about was giving you head and she suddenly threw up on you? Totally horked on your dong?

Steppy: Well depending on how German I'm feeling that day. If it's one of my good days I'll stop. If it's one of my German days I'll just go at it harder.

Who's Your Daddy?

Willie: You smell good David.

David: It's all the male pheromones in my soap.

Jessie: Eew! Willie likes make pheromones!

David: Yeah, I do to. Sometimes I smell a man and I'm like "Mmm, I wish he was my dad." Wait...is that weird?






Willie: Where should I put your lotion?

Jessie: Over there.

Willie: Awesome. Now I know where to come if I need to jack off.

Jessie: Only if you want your dick to be sparkly. It secretly has glitter in it.

David: Oh cool! Then I could use my dick like a fishing lure! Just get it all sparkly then dangle it over a lady's mouth! I'll be sure to catch one then!

Wade Rages Out

Wade:  I had cotton candy before, do you know where?  At S'mantha's house.  YEAH!  THAT'S WHERE I DID IT, MAMA! THAT'S WHERE!  AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!

Yard Sale Problems

Willie: Fucking black people and their god damn European VCR's.

In And Out

Willie: I can't believe the size of the turd that just came out of me. I mean, if I can get that out of me imagine what could go in!

Teens And Vibrations

Two...

Steppy: I wish they put little turkey popper uppers on teenagers that pop up when they turn 18 so that way you know.

And...

Jessie: Are my pants vibrating? Huh, must be my lucky day...

German Mating Calls

Jessie (makes vomiting noises)

Steppy: That is the sound of the German mating call. You hear that coming from a dark alley way and you know that someone is making another German.

???

Steppy: Damn dogs, if they didn't chew on pigeons I would just grab it and not let go. Like have you ever...wait, I don't want to go there.

Commitment

David: So are we joining a gym or what?

Jessie: Yeah, we have to now. I bought a sports bra. That's serious business. Buying a sports bra is like having a baby with someone.

We both walked away from this conversation very confused.

Car Trouble

David: So my car's in the shop...

Steppy: What's wrong with it?

David: Tranny blew a seal.

Steppy: Yeah but what about the car?

Shanghai Willie

Steppy: We should shanghai Willie. Hand him a drink, he passes out, he wakes up 36 hours later and he has no idea what happened but he finally has his driver's license...from Mexico.

Hawaiian BBQ

David: Hawaiian BBQ, what's that? Like pigs on spics or something?

Jessie: I think...you mean "spits?"

The Pink

While working on a puzzle that has a lot of areas full of pink flowers.

Jessie: How are you doing over there Steppy?

Steppy: Well I'm not having very much luck with the pink. Story of my life.

Pee Pee Party

Wade: My pee pee is big

Willie: Don't show people that Wade, you don't need to show anyone that.

Wade: If I went to a pee pee party I'd show everyone my pee pee, and if someone didn't like it I'd just pee on them.

Medium

Jessie: I think you're a medium.

David: I'm not as hot as Sarah Michelle Gellar though.

Jessie: She was a vampire slayer. Medium is that Patricia woman.

David: Oh, the ugly one. Yeah I'm hotter than her.