Ty

Ty:  "His head is just a coconut to sharks."

Ashley

Ashley:  Baby, Imma marinate your face. 

If You Keep Going To The Store For Smoothie Stuff They're Going To Know You're On Peyote

Willie:  Fuck them.  For all they know I'm a tweaker and I like to juice. 

Maniac?

Steppy:  People are lucky that I'm generally nice.  Otherwise it would be like "what happened to that square city block?"  "I dunno, it was there yesterday.  I'm not sure how the fire started but I do know how it ended!" 

Jessie

Jessie:  "Why does this guy want to suck my dick so bad?  Maybe I'll let him."

&

Jessie (to Willie): "It popped up on the side of my Facebook that you like traveling, and I was going to ask you how you could like traveling if you've never been outside of California, but then I remembered that you were born in Virginia and you used to live in Maine, and then also that I was mostly just thinking about myself."

?

steppy:  my face wants to make made monkey love to the root beer packets with my tongue. 

If I Had A Hammer...

Willie:  if I had Thor's hammer, I'd be smashing bitches and cars and EVERYTHING!

Bowser

Jessie:  Bowser is the ultimate rape dragon.

and

Jessie:  Every time I blow my rape whistle the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile shows up.  I need to get a new rape whistle.  Preferably one that didn't come from a package of hot dogs...

How I Trolled Bench Craft Company After They Tried To Troll Me

Long story short, I get a phone call.  This guy says he wants to place an ad for my photography business on a ball washer at a local golf course.  Yes, a ball washer.  Says for $400, the ad will be seen by 30,000 golfers for two years, and we all know that golfers is rich folk, right?

So the thing is that I'm not very good with comprehending what people are trying to sell me on the phone.  If I'm remotely interested, I ask for them to send me an email or something in the snail mail so I can look over it properly.  Plus, it's never a good idea to just whip out your credit card over the phone anyway.  So I ask this guy to send me more information about his ball washers, and the course they're on, via email.

Turns out he wants to sell me beach front property in Mentone, CA, it seems (for the non locals, there is no beach in Mentone, it's a creek.  I guess some guy scammed a bunch of people in the 70's though with some very convincing photographs.)

The golf course is in a gated retirement community, and not one of the nice ones.

Then, I googled the company's name plus the word "scam" and found all kinds of fun information.

Thus, the game began.

Me:  Here's the trouble I found after looking into the location. This is a rinky dink little retirement community where the 30,000 golfers are generally going to be the same hundred or so old folks re-golfing there every day. Unless you can get me in at an actual golf course, such as Oak Valley or the PGA course, I'm not going to be interested.

Later that day...

Me: what's going on jamie? i was all super compelled to give you credit card numbers and you don't seem to be delivering. i'm a busy person, and don't have time to wait around for ball washers that don't come.

He responded by calling.

Me:  jamie, why on earth would i email you if i wanted a phone call? if you're going to still be wanting my business, i'm going to need to see a picture of you (yes you jamie) with one of these ball washers. can you deliver this photograph by midnight?

Finally, he writes back.

Jamie:  Jessie,

  I have never had anyone request that before.  

Me:  then you've never met the likes of me, have you?

PS google provides an extensive result of typing "bench craft company" and "scam" into the little searchy bar thing. i mean have you seen this stuff? http://www.google.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=&=&q=bench+craft+company+scam&aq=f&aqi=p-p1&aql=&oq=

or your rating on BBB? http://www.bbb.org/oregon/business-reviews/advertising-specialties/bench-craft-company-in-portland-or-79000455

the internet's fucking amazing, am i right?

 

Jamie:  Jessie,

  We are a C rating on the BBB.  We do over 30,000 transaction per year.  Our satisfaction rate is over 99%. It says directly on the BBB to please take into consideration of the amount of volume this business does each year.  Anyone can write anything online.  We still have relationships with over 2,000 golf course being military owned, city owned and privately owned. Thats why I recommend if your hesitant to call the golf course in question.

Me:  lol, anyone can write anything on the internet, yet they all write the same exact thing? and you tried to sell me ad space to a gated community's run down golf course? i'm not interested in doing any business with you, but if you deliver the photo by midnight i'd possibly be willing to pass your link around my network...of course i'll be writing whatever i want in regards to it.

yours in christ
jessie t

Jamie:  Jessie.

Well i'm sorry you feel that way.  People look at the reviews all the time and still sign up. They normally do there due diligence and  contact the golf course and talk to the owner or gm.  I respect your decision,  I'm not trying to be argumentative. And yes ANYONE can write whatever they want to on the internet. Good luck on your future endeavors!

Me:  so should i expect the picture or...

Jamie:  Please do not contact me anymore? Thanks Jessie!

Me:  you started it. :p

Jamie:  Serious, again, please do not contact me anymore! Contact our company or the golf courses stated in our emails.

Me:  :)

I know he's just doing his job, but I'm also just doing mine.    

It's Just Freckles

I take a picture of Wade practicing tap dancing in his underwear. 

Willie: Now we've got dirt on him. 

Wade:  No, it's not dirt, it's just freckles.  So you don't have to worry about that.  It looks like dirt, but it's freckles. 

Keyless Entry

Steppy:  I feel like having keyless entry makes me feel like I have arrived as an adult.  Though the fact that I keep chirping it clearly says that I haven't. 

When I think back...

Jessie: "When I think back to all the awful things I done...god.  Well I didn't put it on Facebook so I guess that's okay..."