Pull String

Ty

2011-07-23T16:23:00.001-07:00

Ty: "His head is just a coconut to sharks."

Ashley

2011-07-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

Ashley: Baby, Imma marinate your face.

If You Keep Going To The Store For Smoothie Stuff They're Going To Know You're On Peyote

2011-06-21T21:34:00.001-07:00

Willie: Fuck them. For all they know I'm a tweaker and I like to juice.

Maniac?

2011-05-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Steppy: People are lucky that I'm generally nice. Otherwise it would be like "what happened to that square city block?" "I dunno, it was there yesterday. I'm not sure how the fire started but I do know how it ended!"

Jessie

2011-05-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

Jessie: "Why does this guy want to suck my dick so bad? Maybe I'll let him."

&

Jessie (to Willie): "It popped up on the side of my Facebook that you like traveling, and I was going to ask you how you could like traveling if you've never been outside of California, but then I remembered that you were born in Virginia and you used to live in Maine, and then also that I was mostly just thinking about myself."

?

2011-05-06T21:39:00.001-07:00

steppy: my face wants to make made monkey love to the root beer packets with my tongue.

If I Had A Hammer...

2011-04-17T22:16:00.001-07:00

Willie: if I had Thor's hammer, I'd be smashing bitches and cars and EVERYTHING!

Bowser

2011-04-14T23:16:00.001-07:00

Jessie: Bowser is the ultimate rape dragon.

and

Jessie: Every time I blow my rape whistle the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile shows up. I need to get a new rape whistle. Preferably one that didn't come from a package of hot dogs...

How I Trolled Bench Craft Company After They Tried To Troll Me

2011-04-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

Long story short, I get a phone call. This guy says he wants to place an ad for my photography business on a ball washer at a local golf course. Yes, a ball washer. Says for $400, the ad will be seen by 30,000 golfers for two years, and we all know that golfers is rich folk, right?

So the thing is that I'm not very good with comprehending what people are trying to sell me on the phone. If I'm remotely interested, I ask for them to send me an email or something in the snail mail so I can look over it properly. Plus, it's never a good idea to just whip out your credit card over the phone anyway. So I ask this guy to send me more information about his ball washers, and the course they're on, via email.

Turns out he wants to sell me beach front property in Mentone, CA, it seems (for the non locals, there is no beach in Mentone, it's a creek. I guess some guy scammed a bunch of people in the 70's though with some very convincing photographs.)

The golf course is in a gated retirement community, and not one of the nice ones.

Then, I googled the company's name plus the word "scam" and found all kinds of fun information.

Thus, the game began.

Me: Here's the trouble I found after looking into the location. This is a rinky dink little retirement community where the 30,000 golfers are generally going to be the same hundred or so old folks re-golfing there every day. Unless you can get me in at an actual golf course, such as Oak Valley or the PGA course, I'm not going to be interested.

Later that day...

Me: what's going on jamie? i was all super compelled to give you credit card numbers and you don't seem to be delivering. i'm a busy person, and don't have time to wait around for ball washers that don't come.

He responded by calling.

Me: jamie, why on earth would i email you if i wanted a phone call? if you're going to still be wanting my business, i'm going to need to see a picture of you (yes you jamie) with one of these ball washers. can you deliver this photograph by midnight?

Finally, he writes back.

Jamie: Jessie,

I have never had anyone request that before.

Me: then you've never met the likes of me, have you?

PS google provides an extensive result of typing "bench craft company" and "scam" into the little searchy bar thing. i mean have you seen this stuff? http://www.google.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=&=&q=bench+craft+company+scam&aq=f&aqi=p-p1&aql=&oq=

or your rating on BBB? http://www.bbb.org/oregon/business-reviews/advertising-specialties/bench-craft-company-in-portland-or-79000455

the internet's fucking amazing, am i right?

Jamie: Jessie,

We are a C rating on the BBB. We do over 30,000 transaction per year. Our satisfaction rate is over 99%. It says directly on the BBB to please take into consideration of the amount of volume this business does each year. Anyone can write anything online. We still have relationships with over 2,000 golf course being military owned, city owned and privately owned. Thats why I recommend if your hesitant to call the golf course in question.

Me: lol, anyone can write anything on the internet, yet they all write the same exact thing? and you tried to sell me ad space to a gated community's run down golf course? i'm not interested in doing any business with you, but if you deliver the photo by midnight i'd possibly be willing to pass your link around my network...of course i'll be writing whatever i want in regards to it.

yours in christ
jessie t

Jamie: Jessie.

Well i'm sorry you feel that way. People look at the reviews all the time and still sign up. They normally do there due diligence and contact the golf course and talk to the owner or gm. I respect your decision, I'm not trying to be argumentative. And yes ANYONE can write whatever they want to on the internet. Good luck on your future endeavors!

Me: so should i expect the picture or...

Jamie: Please do not contact me anymore? Thanks Jessie!

Me: you started it. :p

Jamie: Serious, again, please do not contact me anymore! Contact our company or the golf courses stated in our emails.

Me: :)

I know he's just doing his job, but I'm also just doing mine.

It's Just Freckles

2011-03-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

I take a picture of Wade practicing tap dancing in his underwear.

Willie: Now we've got dirt on him.

Wade: No, it's not dirt, it's just freckles. So you don't have to worry about that. It looks like dirt, but it's freckles.

Keyless Entry

2011-03-18T17:48:00.001-07:00

Steppy: I feel like having keyless entry makes me feel like I have arrived as an adult. Though the fact that I keep chirping it clearly says that I haven't.

When I think back...

2011-02-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

Jessie: "When I think back to all the awful things I done...god. Well I didn't put it on Facebook so I guess that's okay..."

First In A While

2010-12-26T22:29:00.001-08:00

Steppy: I was laughing so hard as I killed that...

100th Post Goes To Willie!

2010-10-24T22:49:00.001-07:00

And what did he say?

Willie: I wouldn't change my name to that if God himself paid me in devil quarters.

This Is Only Getting Worse...

2010-10-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

Steppy: I run the joke into the ground, then hump it some more, then beat it like a dead horse and tell it to get up.

Also

Steppy: So I think if I start adding something addictive to my cooking, something that's more chemically addicting than the cooking its self, I will have the perfect system for catching girlfriends.

Also

Steppy: Instead of a turkey timer on the teens, maybe they could just label them with a "best if used after" sticker of some kind..

For You

2010-10-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Willie: I love this weather. I wouldn't change it for the world...but I'd change it for you. If you wanted the weather to change, I'd do everything in my power to get the weather man to change it.

My Great Nephew

2010-10-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

My niece Ashley comes over to visit and has her three year old with her. He immediately goes into my kids' room and plays. Moments later Ty comes out and says that there's something wrong with Aiden.

Ashley: Oh no, is he playing "Dead And Zombie?" (as she runs to the room)

Us: Um...what?

Ashley returns from handling the situation in the bedroom.

Jessie: What's "Dead And Zombie?"

Ashley: Oh Aiden just sometimes falls on the ground and pretends to die, and then twitches and gets up and chases people around like he's a zombie. Oh but that's not what he was doing. He was pretending to be choking on a spoon.

Us: What the fuck?

Ashley: Yeah, he'll turn himself purple and gag and grasp his throat and everything.

Weird kid or weirdest kid ever?

This Time

2010-10-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

Jessie: Kids should not be playing on my lawn, I do not live in a common area of the complex and they're not supervised over here.

Steppy: Chloroform the children and leave them in the bushes and be like "Somebody stoled your baybies!!"

David: Jessica Alba is my celebrity crush.

Jessie: Really David? That's lame. Can't you be original? You're like a 12 year old boy with a poster over your bed.

David: Yep, and this time it's not Mike Piazza.

Inflatable Dollar Store Bath Pillow

2010-09-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

David: My god. It's like a baby catching mit!

A Few I've Saved Up

2010-09-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

Jessie: Sleeping with the fan on helps, huh?

David: Yeah. If it wasn't so sharp and moving I'd even cuddle with it.

David: Mama Bird-Baby Bird

Steppy: That's how Germans learn!

Steppy (to my pet rabbit): HA! Take that you non binocular bastard! Death from anywhere but the sides!

Weed Trouble

2010-09-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Steppy: They call me Dr. Green Thumb. I can grow ANYTHING in that basement. Except weed...

Pickles

2010-08-29T18:45:00.000-07:00

David went over to my sister's to do laundry. He also had a hangover from the night before.

David: I found out that the best cure for a hangover is pickles.

Jessie: Did you tell my sister that you have a hangover?

David: No, but I did tell her that I finished off the pickles.

Damnit

2010-08-27T09:27:00.001-07:00

Willie is riding his bike shirtless and we get sprayed by sprinklers.

Willie: Damnit, now my muscles are going to glisten.

Doooooooom

2010-08-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

David: Wade, don't eat too much of your brother's sundae, remember there's milk in it and milk hurts your tummy.

Wade: (looks wide eyed into space with shock) Sundae of dooooom.

loltrailertrash

2010-08-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Lady At Recycling Center: You messed up on my ticket, son.

Willie (the recycling center guy): Oh sorry, you're right. Let me fix that for you.

Lady: Well that's all right, I wouldn'ta said nothin' but I need the money for Bingo down at the trailer park.

yee-freaking-haw.

Hilarious Quotes From Batman XXX- A Porn Parody

2010-07-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

(note that this is NOT a review, just a collection of quotes from the film.)

"Holy Viagra!"
"To the Bat Pole!"
"Eat my dirty asshole, Riddler"
"Did I tell you to speak, Batman?" (said by whore who date rapes him)
"Blow your bat-load in my mouth."
"Is that a Batterang in your pocket or are you just happy to save me, Boy Wonder?"
"FUUUUUUCK MEEEEE!" (the Joker)
"GET DOWN THERE, I'M GOING TO CUM ON YOUR FACES! NOW REMEMBER TO SMILE WHEN YOU TAKE THE LOAD!"
"Holy popshot!"
"Jeepers!" (said by Robin as he fucks Bat Girl, also there may have been a "golly" in there as well.)
"Kill Robin first, I always hated that little fucker!"
"Holy glass jaw Batman!"
"Holy threesome Batman!"
"Cum all over my dirty kitty face."

The end???

Violent!

2010-07-23T23:22:00.001-07:00

Willie: Where the fuck is my Sesame Street blanket David, I'm going to cut your penis off if you don't help me find it!

David: Willie, you're violent.

Willie: YOU QUIT SMOKING AND SEE IF YOUR VIOLENT LEVELS DON'T GO UP!

If Only

2010-07-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

Willie: David, are you wrapping garlic chicken in bacon? Man, I'd lick your balls if it wasn't so gay.

Alligators

2010-07-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Wade: Ty, do you know what alligators eat? They eat glass.

Ty: They eat fish.

Wade: They eat glass. Look at their teeth. Why eat fish when you can eat glass?

What Would You Do?

2010-06-29T20:27:00.001-07:00

Jessie: What would you do if a woman you cared about was giving you head and she suddenly threw up on you? Totally horked on your dong?

Steppy: Well depending on how German I'm feeling that day. If it's one of my good days I'll stop. If it's one of my German days I'll just go at it harder.

Who's Your Daddy?

2010-06-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Willie: You smell good David.

David: It's all the male pheromones in my soap.

Jessie: Eew! Willie likes make pheromones!

David: Yeah, I do to. Sometimes I smell a man and I'm like "Mmm, I wish he was my dad." Wait...is that weird?

Willie: Where should I put your lotion?

Jessie: Over there.

Willie: Awesome. Now I know where to come if I need to jack off.

Jessie: Only if you want your dick to be sparkly. It secretly has glitter in it.

David: Oh cool! Then I could use my dick like a fishing lure! Just get it all sparkly then dangle it over a lady's mouth! I'll be sure to catch one then!

Wade Rages Out

2010-06-03T13:36:00.001-07:00

Wade: I had cotton candy before, do you know where? At S'mantha's house. YEAH! THAT'S WHERE I DID IT, MAMA! THAT'S WHERE! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!

Yard Sale Problems

2010-05-22T19:37:00.003-07:00

Willie: Fucking black people and their god damn European VCR's.

In And Out

2010-05-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

Willie: I can't believe the size of the turd that just came out of me. I mean, if I can get that out of me imagine what could go in!

Teens And Vibrations

2010-04-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

Two...

Steppy: I wish they put little turkey popper uppers on teenagers that pop up when they turn 18 so that way you know.

And...

Jessie: Are my pants vibrating? Huh, must be my lucky day...

German Mating Calls

2010-03-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

Jessie (makes vomiting noises)

Steppy: That is the sound of the German mating call. You hear that coming from a dark alley way and you know that someone is making another German.

???

2010-03-11T22:08:00.000-08:00

Steppy: Damn dogs, if they didn't chew on pigeons I would just grab it and not let go. Like have you ever...wait, I don't want to go there.

Commitment

2010-02-25T12:35:00.001-08:00

David: So are we joining a gym or what?

Jessie: Yeah, we have to now. I bought a sports bra. That's serious business. Buying a sports bra is like having a baby with someone.

We both walked away from this conversation very confused.

Car Trouble

2010-02-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

David: So my car's in the shop...

Steppy: What's wrong with it?

David: Tranny blew a seal.

Steppy: Yeah but what about the car?

Shanghai Willie

2010-02-07T11:06:00.000-08:00

Steppy: We should shanghai Willie. Hand him a drink, he passes out, he wakes up 36 hours later and he has no idea what happened but he finally has his driver's license...from Mexico.

Hawaiian BBQ

2010-02-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

David: Hawaiian BBQ, what's that? Like pigs on spics or something?

Jessie: I think...you mean "spits?"

The Pink

2010-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

While working on a puzzle that has a lot of areas full of pink flowers.

Jessie: How are you doing over there Steppy?

Steppy: Well I'm not having very much luck with the pink. Story of my life.

Pee Pee Party

2010-01-13T16:24:00.000-08:00

Wade: My pee pee is big

Willie: Don't show people that Wade, you don't need to show anyone that.

Wade: If I went to a pee pee party I'd show everyone my pee pee, and if someone didn't like it I'd just pee on them.

Medium

2010-01-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

Jessie: I think you're a medium.

David: I'm not as hot as Sarah Michelle Gellar though.

Jessie: She was a vampire slayer. Medium is that Patricia woman.

David: Oh, the ugly one. Yeah I'm hotter than her.

Soup Fail

2009-12-19T18:50:00.001-08:00

Steppy: So my mom told me she doesn't like my chicken soup.

Me: Why is that?

Steppy: Mostly because I make it with turkey.

Turkey Sponge

2009-11-28T23:04:00.000-08:00

David: It's like a turkey sponge full of piss, and you don't want to touch that.

The Whole Wonderful Thing

2009-10-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

Two today:

David: I'm like a feelings dumpster. And then the teenagers learn to love the dumpster.

And

While sitting in the spa with Willie and Little Red (age 12) part (like 1/3) of my boob fell out and Willie told me, much to the upset of Little Red. Later on...

Willie: You saw her boob huh?

Little Red: Yes I did! I saw the whole wonderful thing!!!

Willie: Did you like it?

Little Red: No.

Willie: Come on dude.

Little Red: Okay YES I DID AND I LOVED IT!

Attention Disorders

2009-10-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

Steppy: I have ADD

Willie: I do too.

Steppy: ISN'T IT AWESOME? Wait, what were we talking about before???

Why The Baby Cried

2009-10-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Wade: Do you hear that baby out there? Maybe a dinosaur is just chasing him and he's crying because he can't get away. Oh! He stopped crying. Maybe the dinosaur got him and he just died.

David's Injury

2009-10-07T23:24:00.000-07:00

He has this large pink welt on his side, and I asked what happened.

"At work I was trying to hit a donut with a stick...actually it wasn't a stick, it was a broom handle. Anyway I was swinging it around like a ninja warrior and then Ryan threw a donut at me and I tried to hit it but instead I hit myself in the ribs."

Faith And Alcohol

2009-09-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

David: (in Steve Irwin accent) Crikey! She's turned back to her faith! Once she goes back to her faith she has a stockpile of whiskey, which is a deadly combination. Once she's got these two elements in her she gets very very righteous and angry, now that is a time when you don't want to bugger around with her when she's righteous and angry.

Steppy Stoned?

2009-09-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

I lol'd hard at this one.

David went to have a beer with my neighbor the Marlboro Man, and Steppy's over here basically falling asleep on my couch so I suggest we go find David so Steppy can leave (since I don't want to be all lonely.) We get over there and they're all chillin' out, maxin, relaxin all cool, etc.

Marlboro Man is telling a story, and mid sentence he looks at Steppy and goes "Are you stoned?"

Steppy's like "No, I'm just really really tired, I only slept three hours last night."

"Oh. Well I was gonna offer you some marijuana. You looked stoned!"

Rage

2009-09-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

Steppy: Do you see the size of his gut? He internalizes his rage so he can belch it out in flames. Like Godzilla.

The Week Has Flown By, And Some Quotes Were Good

2009-08-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

1.

Jessie: A Mexican does NOT drip paint. It is a precision instrument.

2.

Ty: He's in jail. A poison jail. Where they spray poison into your butt and then your stomach fills up and then explodes.

3.

Jessie: Eden Fantasys (the site I review sex toys and such for) wants to know why I would be able to provide a better review on this product than the one that is already posted.

Steppy: One word..."pictures."

Determination

2009-08-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

Steppy: I'm not creepy, I'm just motivated. Damnit, don't you see that I'm not stalking you? I'm just very, very determined.

What's For Dinner

2009-08-07T22:52:00.000-07:00

This was a text conversation.

David: What's for dinner?

Jessie: Spaghetti or pizza or both.

David: Spaghetti plz.

**later**

Jessie: Actually I'm really busy with editing these photos and Stacey is teaching me how to use the camera and stuff. So bring pizza or you can make the spaghetti. Sorry.

David: WELL I NEVER!!!

Jessie: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get ready for tomorrow.

David: Le SCOFF!

Jessie: Oh shut up or you're gonna be eating cold Ramen noodles out of a dirty mason jar.

David: OMG LMFAO!

Choke It Down

2009-08-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

Jessie: Eew, onions.

Steppy: CHOKE IT DOWN! God, I'm sorry, it's all those porno movies I've been watching.

Two From Sally

2009-08-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

Sally: I like him but he's from Afghanistan though.

Jessie: What's wrong with that?

Sally: I made a promise to myself, I promised never to do Arabs anymore.

And...

Sally: He's so cute, this guy. I like him but he's so married.

Fair Warning

2009-08-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

David: You keep makin' noises like that an eagle's gonna come in here...

Jojoba

2009-07-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

David: Jo-Jo-Buh nut?

Jessie: It's pronounced ho-hoba.

David: Fucking j's.

Wade's Underwear

2009-07-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

My sister: Wade? Are you wearing underwear?

Wade: No.

My sister: Were you wearing underwear when you came over? Where is your underwear?

Wade: It's in a hole.

My sister: Seriously, where is your underwear?

Wade: It's in a hole. The ants are eating it.

David Is On A Roll

2009-07-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

1.

(we're cuddling in bed and just as he goes to kiss me the sprinklers come on outside and it's really loud and distracting.)

David: That's okay baby, just pretend we're doing it at a golf course late at night.

2.

Sally: I'm going to get the lap-band surgery, I need to lose some pounds.

David: Is it time for a new car already?

3.

David: Fuck you, baby computer. What did I ever do to you?

(PS this is David's baby computer:)

Don't You Threaten Her

2009-06-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

David: *jokingly points a little knife with a two inch blade at Sally* Hey make me some venete!

Sally: *looks David up and down* You want to swallow that knife mother fucker?

Her english is getting so good.

Slapping Noises

2009-06-11T00:57:00.000-07:00

Steppy: You don't want to know how Jessie keeps her pimp hand strong. *lowers head* I like to make the slap noises.

Xerox

2009-05-29T11:05:00.001-07:00

From a very long time ago when I was helping out in my sister's kindergarten classroom.

Jessie: (shaking a covered dixie cup filled with dried beans) And what do you suppose is inside of this cup, children?

Boy: (gasps and covers his mouth in terror) *whispers* Maybe there's Xerox in there...

Mecca

2009-05-22T20:29:00.003-07:00

Greg: He has to make sure he's pooping toward Mecca.

LOLWUT?

2009-05-19T17:12:00.000-07:00

Jessie: What would you like for dinner Wade, do you want a salad?

Wade: Yeah! On my head!

The Magic Word

2009-05-16T17:24:00.001-07:00

David: (poised with a pepper grinder over Ty's bowl of vegetables) Say the magic word.

Ty: Um...go.

David: How did you know that the magic word was "um go?"

Overheard On The Phone

2009-05-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

David: So happy mother's day mom.

Mom: Aaaw, thank you. So what are you doing?

David: Aw, you know, makin' mother's day for this mama right here.

Mom: *grumble, moan* oh

A Grasshopper Can Kill You

2009-05-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

David: Grasshoppers can actually kill you, you have to poison them.

Jessie: What? How do they kill you?

David: They get on your face and totally scratch out your eyes with their legs.

Jessie: lol, no they don't. Where did you hear that?

David: I've had dreams.

Jessie: That's different then.

David: They saw little holes into your eyes.

Jessie: No they don't.

David: They attract you with their magical music legs and then next thing you know you're blind.

Not A Quote, More Like A Story

2009-04-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

So David brings some of his beer to distribute at his Pizza Place. The owner of the Pizza Place is from Pakistan, and as everyone else is taking beer and such, David asks Other David if he thinks it would be all right to ask Mr. Pakistan if he wants beer. You see, Mr. Pakistan's religion recommends that he not drink alcohol, but David has seen him clean a ton of beer bottles from his car before (which I wont get into, that's a whole different story.)

Other David says no, not to ask. But David did anyway.

"Mr. Pakistan, do you like beer?"

"Beer?" Mr. Pakistan says, "I drink beer every day."

"Oh well perhaps you would like to try some of mine."

"You have beer?"

"I make it."

"And is it good?"

"Ask Other David, he's had it before."

Other David is glaring at David and shaking his head no. He's really mad for some reason.

"Oh you have had?" Mr. Pakistan asks him. Other David answers yes.

David shows him some bottles, one of which is a swing-top Grolsch bottle and the other is a 22 oz bottle with our label on it. He shows him the label and explains the bottling process, blah blah blah.

"Which one is good one?" Mr. Pakistan asks.

"Well...they're both the same I--"

Mr. Pakistan grabs the 22 ouncer, pulls the metal cap off with his teeth and downs it right there in the parking lot.

"It's very smooth," he says, and then drinks another couple glugs. "You sure you make this yourself? You didn't just put your label on someone else's beer?"

"No that's...um...that's mine."

"Hmm," he says, and pours the rest down his throat. "Here," he goes, "you can re use this bottle."

And Mr. Pakistan drives off.

Other David rolls his eyes. "I tried to tell you."

"Sorry dude, I...didn't expect that he'd pound a 22 oz beer in the parking lot."

"You owe me another beer, man."

Why You Should Not Eat Money

2009-04-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

David (to Wade): Don't eat money, what is wrong with you? If you swallow a quarter, guess what? Someone is going to rip your gut open to get it out of you. You tell a doctor that you're full of quarters in this economy? You're dead. So don't put money in your mouth.

Paper Air Plane

2009-04-23T12:12:00.001-07:00

David: So I made a pretty cool paper air plane. Too bad I stomped on it. I told it to get up but it wouldn't.

Why They Cant Help

2009-04-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

Cop: Why cant your parents pay to put you through academy?

David: Well, her parents are dead, and my dad drives the short bus, and my mom, well, she aint right.

Mr Clean

2009-04-16T12:42:00.003-07:00

Jessie: I'd sure like to see a more violent version of Mr. Clean...

Butt Bubble

2009-04-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

David: Okay so I have this bubble in my butt that is keeping it open, and like, it has valves on either side that let me suck in air or push out air.

Jessie: ...How long's it been like that?

David: Bout a minute. Oh it just went away.

Two From Tonight

2009-04-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

Wade: I don't want to sit by Ty because he's making me boxes!

Ty: Boxes are good for you!

And

Jessie: I can go to your church, but I ain't gonna do it right.

Sally's Boyfriend Talks Like A Nigerian Spammer

2009-03-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

Sally's email to me:

i asked him to tell me something nice ...something to convince me that i wont be just another name on his list....this is what i got back...

men are suckers...

I will take you everywhere and enjoy your intelligence in the day and your romance in the evening.JUST YOU. No one could ask for anything nicer; a fantastic package. I look forward to traveling to Europe with you

Watch Your Mouth Around The Kids

2009-03-19T17:39:00.001-07:00

I'm talking to David about my friend Steppy but apparantly Ty was listening from the other room.

Jessie: Well I told him that I would put things in his butt if he let me take pictures of it and put them in my Flickr.

Ty: (comes running in) Mama! You will go to jail! It is against the law to put things in somebody's butt!

Waste And Shampoo

2009-03-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

Two today...

David: That's a waste of a Mazda.

And...

Pico: So there was this guy who got kicked out of the Marines for cumming into bottles and tasting it. He had bottles of cum everywhere, in his locker, under his bed, all over the place. I'm thinking I want to go into the shampoo business so I can cum into the bottles and sell it to people.

Jessie: Dude, why go into the shampoo business? Just work at Rite Aid, you can do that there.

Dana Hates Telling Girl Scouts No

2009-03-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

Dana: I hate telling girl scouts no, I mean...they're doing the right thing, they're just trying to sell some cookies, but it's like "Sorry girls, my back pack's full of beer..."

God, WHAT AM I?

Look at me, what if I had just started tearing open the boxes and chugging a beer, destroying all their cookies. Some little girl's like "Excuse me mister..." and I'm like "THAT'S MR. MISTER TO YOU, PIGTAILS!"

Candy Dots

2009-03-04T00:02:00.001-08:00

Jessie: That's what I want in my Easter basket, a dick covered in Candy Dots.

The Only Rule Of Ultimate Fighting

2009-02-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

Ty: The only rule of Ultimate Fighting is that you can never ever ever set someone on fire.

Drinking With David

2009-02-21T22:41:00.000-08:00

So David's had three beers, he's looking at the alcohol percentages on the bottles and finds out that one of them is 9.5%. This explains why he then exclaims "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

He's referring to the metal bracket things on the closet door.

He opens the closet door and sees that I've hung up a shoe rack.

"Fucking sweet!"

Shoe racks are fucking sweet.

You're Always Like That!

2009-02-18T17:34:00.000-08:00

Ty: Daddy you're always make believe, because you're always saying things that can't happen and don't happen and never will happen. You're always like that!

David: It's called joking, buddy.

Ty: Oh.

My Hands Are Too Cold

2009-02-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

David: My hands are too cold, could you pull the lint out of my belly button for me?

Jessie: Use a q-tip, you fuck!

Button Eyes

2009-02-10T22:02:00.001-08:00

Greg: Fuck that movie Coraline. Anything with button eyes, I'm like NO FUCKING WAY.

David's Screwed

2009-02-05T23:18:00.000-08:00

David: Um...I think I just screwed this cap into my face.

Sally Comes To David's Defense

2009-02-02T20:23:00.001-08:00

In response to the news of Stater's giving David a bad report which caused CHP to drop his application, the neighbor had some not so kind words to say.

Sally: why the heck he wrote that?? what a stupid ass,,he ruined his chance for what? i hate people like this....i hope he will pay for it!!! and when that happens .. i hope he;ll knw what is that he;s paying for...oh man..i would go to him and spit on his ugly face. if he wouldve done that to me...after all the hopes and dreams ...or to my man,...i would go there in the middle of the store and make a fuul of himself.and spit on him like a gypsy..nothing to loose...

12 Inch Sausage

2009-02-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

This girl comes into the pizza place and orders a medium sausage pizza. So David, in all of his charm, comes out and announces:

"I've got a 12 inch sausage for Kim."

Epic.

I Got Hit On

2009-01-31T16:02:00.000-08:00

I'm checking out at the grocery store (Stater's, of course) and the manager is the guy who was my TA in my 10th grade science class. He's always sort of hit on me, but never admitted it.

Anyway, so as I was checking out today he came over and started talking to me.

Jessie: So yeah, David's final interview with CHP is Monday, so if this goes well he could be leaving in June.

Him: Awesome, so then you'll be making MONEY, heh?

Jessie: Yeah, but I'll be all alone.

Him: Not if I'm there...

Jessie: What?

Him: Ah ha ha kay have a good day now Jess ah ha ha ha...

Fainting Goat

2009-01-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

David: The bird is like a fainting goat, except that it's like a seizuring bird.

Jesus Kisses

2009-01-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

David and I are lying in bed holding hands.

David: This is weird. It's like that scene in Titanic where the old couple is holding hands in bed as the water is drowning them. Like, shouldn't they be fucking?

Jessie: No, because they're going to go meet Jesus. It's not appropriate to be fucking when you're going to meet Jesus.

David: Well at least they could be kissing! Jesus kisses!

Guy In The Porno Said WHAT?

2009-01-22T22:42:00.001-08:00

Guy in porno: I'd have my tongue so far up that chick's ass that I'd taste the yogurt she had for breakfast.

Overheard Outside Of Dress Barn

2009-01-20T09:29:00.000-08:00

There's a very skinny man-boy wearing very skinny jeans and a Lucky brand shirt. He's walking with a girl who is dressed as well as he is.

Man-Boy with Girl Voice outside of Dress Barn: *scoffs* Okay, if I were a woman? And god willing someday I will be? I? Would not want to shop at a "Dress BARN," like that wouldn't make me feel sexy? It's like, am I a cow or something?

Louder =Better

2009-01-16T13:10:00.001-08:00

Jessie: "The louder you swear at somebody the more they respect you."

Like Dogs

2009-01-15T11:50:00.000-08:00

Mustang Sally: This new guy I'm seeing, he is not different than the other guy I was seeing. He is inexperienced so I train him just like the other guy. Same story. Is like dogs. Still a labrador, is just different color.

Why Greg Could Never Be A Cop

2009-01-09T14:42:00.001-08:00

Greg: I don't think I could take a job like that seriously enough. I'd write someone a ticket and fold it into origami and be like "Your ticket is for driving slow like the crane. Look, the wings flap!" Or I could make one of those fortune teller number games.

"Aw, you picked the 6? Nobody picks the 6! Wha'd you get--OOOOH! You got DUI. Tough break."

Or like "Pick the 3. Come on. Pick the 3. I've got two guys and a dog in my squad car who want you to pick the 3."

Shouted At 1 AM...

2009-01-04T01:12:00.000-08:00

David: I SMELL LIKE ONIONS! GOD DAMNIT!

Drop Slot

2009-01-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

Pico calls me up to tell me that he had sex with a fat girl that he met on Myspace. I tried to cheer him up by saying that at least he got his rocks off or whatever, and he said that he did but reluctantly.

Pico: It's like if you're returning a movie to the video store after hours and you reach your hand in the slot, but then you change your mind and decide not to drop the video, so then you just start jerking your arm back and fourth trying to get it out, but you know that you are not going to get your arm out of that drop slot unless you drop the video. And so finally, you just...drop it. And you feel terrible.